I feel the call, the pull, the tug, the strain to expand – the yearning on the inside to become. Not to build an empire, or conquer a continent. Simply to be a better man. To love better and stronger. To speak with greater clarity and turn up consistently aligned fully with my words and my faith.
But it’s hard.
I sit here with tears down my cheeks, aware of the push back by the status quo of my own soul, grappling to keep its comfort zone intact. Like a boundary line wire that squeals when an intruder dares to pass, I have erected unseen pillars and fences that clearly declare, “this far but no further, pass this point or dare to die.”
My desire for more contravenes the unspoken covenants I have made with my own insecurities.
Expansion is hard.
Cracking the ceiling to finally see the blue sky takes manly effort.
The thinking that brought me thus far is inadequate to lift me to the next level. The mould I have made that encases my experience is cramped, but comfort claws to keep me covered. I feel the fear of responsibility with its shoulder against the door, daring me to pass and counselling me of the dangers of being a bigger person.
You’ll have to show up differently. Take off the painted face. You’ll be exposed for the fraud and the fake that you are. Your fears will be realised and your failing efforts will throw you under the bus. You’ll be the poster boy for the man who ‘tried’ to become.
Voices, voices, voices. The voice of childhood falls. Teenage failing. Adult meltdowns. All clamour at the doorstep of my breakthrough, scrumming for my incarceration to continue. The quarantine of mediocrity, shut behind doors of my own making, never reaching for the next level of income, influence, freedom and fire.
No wonder this game is tough. I’m my number one opponent, pushing against the very defences I coached to strength myself, some of them from childhood. A hearty line of lies arrayed against my own grown will and desire.
What do we do in this situation, when the walls we’ve been pushing push back and contract? What’s the key that cracks the lock and opens the door to a greater future?
“Son, the days you sat in the shadows of fear are over. The light of a new day breaks when you break with the lies that have held you bound. You are no longer the boy who was felled on the porch of your home all those years ago, who heard the words of teachers mocking, or flailed in your efforts to rise. You’re no longer the slave, bound to the past and chained to what you could do in your own strength.
I am with you every step of this rocky way, to carry you if necessary when the going gets rough. Turning up consistently doesn’t mean perfectly, with your insta-filter life on display. Sometimes, son, it’s the dusty leg of the journey that inspires others most. The laying out of fears in the heat of the day for all to see that shrivels them in the light of how pitiful they really are.
Fear not and step forward son, do the work and wring out the sweat of your soul on the sidewalk. Transitioning from knowing to being is indeed hard to accomplish. We want to stay in the shade of what we know, but son, there’s a tree I want you to eat of today that transforms. Its fruit tastes bitter at times, to a soul accustomed to hiding, but oh so sweet the results of truth in the inner parts.
Let me lead you, son, with my voice. Each day, one step at a time. Don’t be afraid to share the journey, for my calling goes beyond this short stay. Let’s become together, not by your efforts and straining, although sometimes you will feel the wrestling to remain alone in that which you call safety. But, my darling boy, security is not found in safety, it is only found in me. My voice, every day leading. The house of hearing, built on solid rock. Ever expanding, ever exploring, ever growing, discovering, seeing more.”
Ready? Just one more step, son. Just one more step.